Alas, Poor Plant!

In my office, we have a plant that is crippled by its incomprehensible addiction to coffee. It is a fern, with bright green leafy fronds, but every morning when we get into the office, the poor plant greets us with drooping, shadowed leaves that look haggard and tired. Since my entrance to my office is typically accompanied by a strong cup of coffee from the Science Gallery (and Lord only knows what THEY are putting into the coffee...), the plant perks up as soon as I get to my desk.

Such behavior is already a bit suspect, coming as is does from a fern, but as soon as my coffee comes within 3 feet of this plant, the plant starts getting cranky, tapping its fronds quickly on the pot and snapping at people who try to water it. Most of the time, the plant won't even drink the water it is given, and thus, we have been forced to sustain it by actually giving it coffee. Yes, it's true: our little fern is a right Audrey Two, demanding caffeine and promising to behave like a proper plant when satiated.

And when we have poured a good liter of coffee into the plant's pot, the leaves perk up, and the fronds wave energetically in the non-existent breeze. The fern becomes quite efficient, converting CO2 to Oxygen at a brisk rate, filling the office with pure clean air. This productivity only lasts until about noon, however, and then the fern crashes. Again, it becomes moody and irritable, tossing dirt onto the desk and falling over whenever a person comes too close to it. By one o'clock, the whole fern is shaking madly and begging the office for another cup of joe. It has gotten to the point where we can't leave half-filled cups of coffee unsupervised, or the plant will drink them and try to pretend like it can't move. Don't be fooled- our fern possesses at least 500 times the mobility of normal plants.

We are thinking of scheduling an intervention, but with little hope of success. We tried to give it decaf once, but I swear, all the liquid just ended up in the dish below the pot. Poor, addicted plant.